Before Chunkaflex, no other pill had ever claimed to reduce the discomfort due to car trouble. There has been some skepticism as to whether it works, but only from idiots.

“Vitamin C is a drug, and if you need a drug, you’d better just go ask your doctor, young man. You can kill yourself if you get sick and worthless, but you are NOT going to ingest unapproved substances. Not on my watch.”

Each donor freely signs our contract before she gets a single shot of morphine. Of course, technically, we sign all the contracts as the legal guardian. But the choice is theirs. Scout’s honor.

While reform-minded Piffle has crusaded against ear swabs for years, the government has been slow to move. Now, a recent avalanche of scientific data confirms what Piffle has always said: once you start using ear swabs, it’s almost impossible to stop.