Rare but needed service saves others their afternoons, sanity

SPRAWL, VA - Can’t sleep at night? Most insomniacs are content to pop a pill, pilfer some pop, or move to a different time zone. But for Herbie Glays, insomnia is an entrepreneurial opportunity.

“If I could sleep at night, I’d be out of a job,” explains Glays. “I read legal documents for the sleep-inclined.”

Whether it’s a hefty warranty or twenty pages of revisions to your credit card agreement, Glays has the stamina to read it through to the bitter end.

“Every word. I promise,” says Glays. “I read it so you don’t have to. Ever.”

After reading the document, Glays notarizes it as “read,” then mails or emails it back to his client, along with a synopsis of the essential points in 25 words or less. A cell phone warranty might translate into “If it’s worked once, you can’t return it,” while a revised credit card agreement might boil down to, “Usury. More.” Or, for those who haven’t heard that term (such as mortgage officers): “The Mafia has better rates.”

Glays works from his home in a den-turned-office that sports folding chairs, irritating background music, and flickering fluorescent lights. His hours are sundown to sunup, and he only receives guests or reporters between 1 and 3 AM.

Truly, Glays has an ability to stay awake that is almost unusual. But he didn’t always realize his hidden talent. After receiving his second Master’s degree, his first job was the day shift at a local bowling alley, “giving people their bowling shoes.” At night, he would try to sleep, but would still be staring at the ceiling long after his wife Geraldine had “drifted off to Dreamburg.”

Glays tried all the usual remedies for his “problem”: late night television, strange teas, imagining sheep and then counting them. “I was a bit wild and unpredictable, but my goal was always the same—to get to sleep.” Nothing worked. Finally, Glays had to face facts.

“I knew I was a true insomniac when I was still awake after a two-hour infomercial for imported Lithuanian pool tables,” he says. “Unlike domestic Lithuanian pool tables, the imported Lithuanian pool tables were made in India, with a unique extra-smooth felt that made gameplay not only satisfying, but soothing. As one happy customer, Cubby Shark of Gary, Indiana, put it—wait, I’m sorry, but do you usually snore during interviews?”

Amazed that he had not only weathered the infomercial, but listened to it, Glays, inspired, dug out his car insurance policy.

Forty-five minutes later, he had read every word.

The next morning, he quit the bowling alley, and took out a loan for a sofa. A one-man business was born.

“Occasionally, a client won’t believe that I actually read the document. I simply ask them to prove it. Then chuckle wickedly.” He chuckles wickedly. “Generally, however, my clients are overwhelmingly grateful. People will write me tender thank-you notes, send me flowers, kiss my feet…I don’t understand. I’ve begun to find the documents fascinating.

“My particular specialty these days is the software license agreement. You know, when you install new software and have to scroll down through many paragraphs before you click ‘I have read and accept these conditions.’ That is a popular service. My goodness. My income has quadrupled. A Mormon lady wanted to be my second wife.”

Yet even Glays, the master of monotony, has met his match.

“Around 2:30 AM, if I’m not chatting with a guest or dictating to a reporter’s tape recorder while he sleeps on my couch, I take a break and watch something light, relaxing, even boring. Not too relaxing, though. Once, I made the mistake of popping on CNN. The next thing I knew, I had slept until morning.”