Surgeon General issues warning, ATF moves to toughen regulations

WASHINGTON, D.C - The Surgeon General declared Wednesday that conventional cotton-tipped ear swabs are more addictive than nicotine, alcohol, or cocaine.

“It’s time to crack down on ‘ear cleaning,’ to use the abusers’euphemism,” said Matthew Piffle, a Surgeon General spokesman. “Every day, millions of Americans in the throes of this addiction squander their disposable income and endanger their hearing. It is the responsibility of a sane government to protect them from themselves.”

While reform-minded Piffle has crusaded against ear swabs for years, the government has been slow to move. Now, a recent avalanche of scientific data confirms what Piffle has always said: once you start using ear swabs, it’s almost impossible to stop.

In a dramatic testimony before a Congressional hearing, a former ear swab abuser said with tears, “Every time a box ran out, I’d say, this is it, this is the last time. Then my ears would get that itch again, and I’d go prancing to the drugstore. Especially if chocolate was on sale.”

Hoping to help deter future addicts, the National Ad Council has already released a preliminary round of billboards in major cities targeting Big Ear Swab companies. Executives hope that the theme, “What If You Fell Down With A Swab In Your Ear And Went Deaf?” will explore the hidden side of swab abuse.

While sales numbers are not yet available, experts say that sales of the swabs have already dropped sharply. “At least, I didn’t buy any,” said one expert. “That counts.”

The industry’s response has been swift. “We are shocked to learn that millions of people actually insert our ear swabs into their ears,” said Herman Slim, CEO of America’s second-largest swab producer, Eew-Tips. “This is in outright defiance of the warning we place on every box: Do Not Insert This Into Your Ear. Every single box! And yet they don’t obey! What a blow to my faith in humanity. I say, if people aren’t going to do what we say, let’s stop making them! I quit!”

But board member Victor Ice, who holds 87 percent of the Eew-Tip shares, had more creative ideas. “We are in close communication with Matthew Piffle and are currently developing a safer, more ear-friendly design which will allow us to continue serving our customers, as well as raking in our usual millions.”

The proposed “safety swabs” would have no cotton and would be, in fact, plastic sticks. Ice claims they would prevent “insertion incidents,” but experts say this is unlikely.

“Piffle!” said Piffle. “They’d be no safer than climbing a tree! People might forego scraping their ear canal, but they’d misuse them anyway—as coffee stirrers! These “safety” swabs would look just like coffee stirrers, except they’d be too short, so people would burn their fingers. Not the kind of product I want to see on the open market,” concluded Piffle, speaking on his cell phone as he drove down I-66 at 90 mph.

Some swab companies have not even made an effort to civilize their operations. Moo-Tips, a truculent rival to Eew-Tips, has already stated that they will keep making Moo-Tips until they are shut down. Fortunately, the ATF is moving to have swabs declared a “controlled substance.”

“Once the ‘white demons’ are under our authority, you’re going to see some swift changes,” explained one ATF official. “This is a national crisis, and we’re going to act like it.”

While the new War on Swabs has been hailed from many quadrants, the keenest appreciation, perhaps, has come from the medical profession.

“We have a minimum age for alcohol, don’t we?” said Dr. Wilbur Verve, a pediatrician, as he renewed a Prozac prescription for a twelve-year-old. “That’s the least we can do; protect the children.”