“We’re excited to see what we get when we ask women too,” says pollster

POLLVILLE, KY - A recent poll suggests that women are aliens.

The poll, conducted by the Broken Clipboard Research Team of Pollville, KY, has been hailed as the first serious attempt to “get to the bottom” of whether or not women are aliens. Despite decades of stonewalling by special-interest groups, the problem is finally in the public eye.

“Ouch,” the public commented.

While the poll isn’t conclusive, it certainly takes the debate in a new direction.

“Personally, I’ve known women are aliens for years,” explained researcher Wilson Stag of Broken Clipboard. “But a lot of people have a real blind spot here. I’m glad I was around to make sure the darn questions were objective.”

Stag has always detected a certain bias in past polls. “The most obvious bias being they don’t even bring it up! When’s the last time the Census let you check M, F, or A for alien?” Stag said. “Not what I call free speech.”

Before he realized they were aliens, Stag frequently invited women to high school formals, lacrosse games, and even “power drinks” at a local yoga bar. On his 1000th rejection, he threw a small party. Then he decided to search for a pattern.

“It was that pattern crud that led me to Broken Clipboard,” Stag said. Unlike most poll companies, Broken Clipboard uses a Three-Tier System™ to be sure each question is objective. The system is patented, copyrighted, and top secret. Once the questions are certified Bias-Free™, they are sent out and people answer them. Like a poll. If you don’t even know how polls work by now, see if some hapless intern had to cobble together a sidebar for you. It’s probably next to the one on “How To Breathe Through Your Nose.”

When you’re up to speed, here are a few of the questions you would have answered if you had taken this poll:

• Many say that women are highly unpredictable and weird, even when you ask them out to something girly like “power drinks” at a freaking yoga bar. Could this erratic behavior conceivably be explained by them being ALIENS? (a) yes (b) probably.
• Consider this statement: WOMEN ARE ALIENS. Do you: (a) strongly agree? (b) definitely agree? (c) disagree with people who disagree?
• Do you consider yourself an informed and intelligent person, and do you think women are aliens? (a) yes (b) absolutely

“Of course, the hard work was finding the right people to take it,” Stag said. “There’s a lot of bias in this world, and one bigot can throw a poll like a card shark at Go Fish. I don’t know who gave you that dumb subtitle about asking women, but it sure wasn’t this pollster. What are women supposed to say, ‘Yepper, we’re aliens’? Come on, postage is expensive. Women were the first to go, Bias Hazard Numero Uno.

“Next we eliminated married men. This was a tough choice, since a lot of them know the enemy up close and personal, but you got to figure they couldn’t be in those auras all the time without significant brain damage. Same went for guys that were dating, or had dated, or ever wanted to date. Sounds ruthless, I know, but you don’t want a tainted verdict. Ask any lawyer about choosing a jury. Same deal. Oh, and homosexuals were out, too, they always have lady friends. At least in movies.”

And when the selection process was complete?

“Well, wound up, we passed it around the office. Got a stack of replies yay high. Good stuff. It’s so gratifying when what you know gets confirmed by cold, hard, data.