“Litmus test? Never! But we can’t have a judge who’s blond,” says Democrat

CAPITOL (with an O) HILL - Another nominee for the Supreme Court bit the dust yesterday as Democrats promised they would filibuster until Christmas before they saw Darren “Blondie” Kirk take the bench.

Kirk’s response was characteristically swift. “W-e-l-l. I thought I went gray at 75. Thanks for the nifty nickname, folks. Thanks. ‘Blondie.’ Heh. You never can tell.”

Kirk is only one in a long string of nominees who have failed to entice the gourmet palates of the Democratic Party. Since Justice O’Connor stepped down, over 300 nominees have been rejected, including a cat. Meanwhile, two more Supreme Court justices have retired, three have died, and one has gone on sabbatical to play the romantic lead in Napoleon Dynamite the Second, which brings the current count of active Supreme Court Judges to two.

The Administration has not been pleased. “We believe the Founding Fathers intended nine judges,” the Administration insisted yesterday. “Two is a lot less than nine. Five less, to be exact.” The Administration paused. “I think it could be said that we need some more judges.”

But Senator Ben Arnold (D-NZ) pounced on the implied fallacy. “Better two good judges than two good judges and a freaking blonde.”

Though some charge the Democrats with having a secret “litmus test,” Democrats call the very idea “ridiculous,” “a hoot,” and “Republican.”

On the other hand, annoying non-corporate blogs have noted that many leading Democrats themselves are or pretend to be blond. On a more sinister note, Kirk, in a youthful indiscretion, did accidentally vote for a Republican once—for class president.

The little piranhas have also had a field day with another Arnold comment: “It’s not that we have some hidden agenda. It’s that the President keeps picking judges who aren’t Democrats.”

Taken out of context, the quote could be construed to mean that the Democrats won’t accept a judge unless he or she or it is a Democrat. But in a recent press conference, Arnold found that interpretation particularly offensive.

“It’s not like I said, ‘we won’t accept a judge unless he or she or it is a Democrat.’ All I meant was that there are certain fundamental American principles that define who we are as America. They’re not partisan, they’re not open to question, they’re simply true. And it’s not my fault that Republicans hate ninety percent of them. I don’t care if someone calls himself Democrat or Republican or [smirk] ‘Independent’—as long as he thinks like we do, he’s a decent human being.”

Meanwhile, the Administration continues to search for an even less controversial choice. This morning, it tentatively suggested Bert Grout, a local plumber. Grout has never voted, has never been inside a courtroom, and, in fact, rarely speaks in complete sentences.

“I think Mr. Grout could help us find some common ground. And the Court does have that leaky toilet,” offered the Administration.

“Is he anti-abortion?” asked the Democrats, all at once.

Sadly, Grout may have nodded. He does have a cold, and some sources say he was blowing his nose. But Democrats are taking no chances.

“It’s harder to please these guys than it is to invade a country on the other side of the world,” the Administration complained. “Well, that counts as an official nominee, boys. Don’t forget our bet. If I don’t get one in by 400, I get Iran.”

“Then they’d better get shopping for plastic sheeting and duct tape,” said Arnold.