Side effects include loss of German skills, detachable limbs, moss

PILLVILLE, SD - A new pill was approved by the FDA Wednesday which promises relief from many of the symptoms usually associated with car trouble, including stomach pain, missed credit card payments, and forced carpools with irritated friends.

“What’s the FDA Wednesday?” commented Phineas Lurch, a local programmer who used to and still does suffer from chronic car trouble. “Is that like the TV version? FDA Wednesday!“

The pill, Chunkaflex, hit the shelves Thursday. It is already wildly popular, especially among car owners.

“I love Chunkaflex,” boasted paid actress Pink Syrup in a recent infomercial.

“I tried that Chunkyduck crud. Didn’t do a thing for my bronchitis,” said Harv Marvel, a professional insomniac. “I’ll stick with vodka.”

“I took Chunkaflex, and promptly crashed into a sleeping deer,” said a local taxi driver. “And I’m losing my German skills.”

Another happy Chunkaflex user commented, “Quack!”

And a storekeeper added, “When Chunkaflex hit my shelves, they broke.”

Before Chunkaflex, no other pill had ever claimed to reduce the discomfort due to car trouble. There has been some skepticism as to whether it works, but only from idiots.

“Chunkaflex works because that’s what it says on the bottle,” explained researcher Wynn Dward, who won a debate in fifth grade once. “See? Reduces discomfort to car trouble. Tastes like rotting cheese. My professional opinion is: try Chunkaflex. Or at least buy it.”

Like many FDA-approved drugs, Chunkaflex was deemed too dangerous to test on animals. Fortunately, orange trees, razors, and most blocks of concrete showed no ill effects after using Chunkaflex, so FDA approval for human use took approximately twenty minutes.

“Sorry it took so long. I couldn’t find a pen,” apologized an anonymous FDA Approver.

Despite this approval, as well as the appearance of two award-winning infomercials (”Chunkaflex” and “Chunkaflex with Worse Music”), the new pill did spark controversy.

“There’s been some confusion, people putting pills in with the gas and all that,” explained researcher John Caramel as he wiped his glasses with a new fifty. “Obviously our medication can’t actually do anything about your car, any more than a decongestant actually does anything about a cold. But it’s the discomfort we’re after. I hate discomfort!!!

“Put three exclamation marks after that, would you?

“The challenge of Chunkaflex was to induce a mental state in which no amount of car trouble could cause the slightest irritation. A complex problem, and the solution is delicate. Already we’ve had subjects get substandard results because they didn’t follow the recommended dosage, which is one pill and one eighth of a pill every seventeen minutes and twenty-eight seconds. With vodka. We wrote all this in large print on the bottle, with pictures, and still people didn’t do it. They ate meals. They slept. I’m sorry, but that bothers me. I need some time alone.”

For those who did stay inside the lines, Chunkaflex worked wonders. Approximately sixty percent of the two successful dosers are already “thrilled.” The other forty percent are covered in moss.

“We had that with the concrete too,” commented Caramel. “Odd. Well, we’ll have at least one Christmas season before an activist group can get off the ground. And remember, the majority are thrilled.”

Controversy or no, Chunkaflex is a resounding success, yet its secret has proven remarkably simple. How does Chunkaflex make it possible to dish out thousands without batting an eye?

“Simple,” said Caramel. “When you’re on Chunkaflex, you think you’re a large duck. A mallard.

“Have you ever met a mallard that worried about its car? I think not.”