Would-be murderers can’t bear to click, “I’m good.”

A new dating site guarantees TOTAL safety, thanks to its revolutionary policy that forbids membership to weirdos, stalkers, and murderers.

“Not just axe murderers, either,” says Phyllis Johnson, the site’s brainmother. “No one is allowed to join TotallyTotallySafe.com unless they promise they won’t do anything violent, intolerant, or clashing. They have to promise. We’re the only site out there that can offer that kind of protected environment.

Already, TotallyTotallySafe.com has revolutionized the industry.

“I feel so revolutionized,” complained a rival site.

“Me too,” said the industry.

The key is that would-be subscribers to TotallyTotallySafe.com can only join if they actually click an agreement that forswears, among other things, killing people. It’s that “click of truth” that makes all the difference.

“Curses! Foiled again!” admitted Kip Glaucoma, a serial killer who continues to evade the police. In the past, Glaucoma used less secure sites, often submitting fake addresses, and once even a false name, Kip Astigmatism. “It was a lie, but then, I’m a murderer.”

Then Glaucoma tried to register at TotallyTotally. “Everything was fine until I got to the Promise Screen. Gaa! ‘By clicking on this heart, I do solemnly promise’—who would have thought they’d make you promise? DARNIT. Chalk one up for civilization.”

For people like Daisy Zit, an overdue single, TotallyTotally is a lifesaver.

“I’m practically 23, and I have a job. I don’t have time to do the whole ‘email first, then talk on the phone, then go on a group date, then eat out, then sit on your couch and share your deepest fears,” she explained. “That can take days.”

Zit, 17, has met over 300 men online, “400 if you count the boarding school,” and calculates that safety overtures have hitherto eaten up 20 to 95 percent of her dating time. “For what?” she asked. “All those stupid group dates, and how many of those guys pulled a knife? Like, two. Not a good use of my evenings. With a TotallyTotally fella, date time is couch time. Every time. On time. No slime. In rhyme. Yeah.”

Predictably, sour moralists have expressed reservations. “I don’t know what’s worse, the idiocy of the thing or this lemon I’m eating,” griped Jeremiah Bile, a conservative hippie. “What kind of Nixonhead thinks you can guarantee anything by strangers filling out cute little web forms? Gather your roses, relish the adventure, but by Gaskin, don’t call it safe.”

“There is a safe alternative: total control,” offered Hegemon Orwell, author of You Belong in a Database and Leave Civic Rights to the Hondas, and former Chief of Intelligence. “When everyone’s implanted with RFID tags, this won’t even be a discussion. Neither will anything else.”

Until that happy day, TotallyTotally plans to continue to provide a “high-security, superduperprotected environment” to singles who seek timely affection without the risk of getting murdered.

Murderers are suing.

“Like everything else, this is about religious discrimination,” said Dr. Pita Globule, a political analyst who prefers not to wear checkered pants. “Historically, the nonmurdering majority have consistently excluded their more vigorous colleagues from positions of influence. Now they augustly forbid them even to date across the ethics line. It is a dark day indeed when basic rights of association are summarily denied to the likes of Mafia elite, retired Nazis, and Florida judges.”

Phyllis Johnson has answered the challenge. “This isn’t about intolerance, it’s about marketing,” she insists. “Thanks to this productive feedback, I’ve launched a whole new business—MurderousMatches.com. And if they drop the lawsuit, my legal opponents can each have a free membership. For a month.”

“I’m not joining that one,” says Zit, who knows how to read. “I can’t. I’m not a murderer.”