“No government should be allowed to make me see those things.”

GOOP, KS - In a 34 to 33 landslide victory Tuesday, the city council of Goop, KS, voted to make fire hydrants illegal, “especially in public places and on sidewalks and, like, where people can see them.”

The landslide victory was largely thanks to a two-year campaign waged by local investor Spartacus Winch, who finds fire hydrants “more offensive than disco.”

“It’s a landslide victory, which I guess is good way to put it except I don’t like landslides,” said Winch, 47, a one-time blonde.

Thirteen years ago, a faulty fire hydrant assaulted Winch with a “very hard” spray as he carried carnations to the grave of his laptop, Tolerance. When rescue workers failed to resuscitate his flowers, Winch realized he could never see fire hydrants the same way again.

“The memory chills me. Every time I see one. I always have to go get my wool sweater.”

For years, Winch endured the fire hydrants, those galling monuments that one poet has called “hate speech in metal.” Then he met Montgomery Alcatraz, a lawyer.

“We could have been content with the lawsuit, the Letterman interview, the weekly planners,” reminisced Alcatraz as he got measured for a tie. “But my client began to explore his feelings.” Alcatraz, who is also an unlicensed therapist with a permit, guided Winch to a stunning realization: fire hydrants offended him.

“Then we went for the jugular,” chuckled Alcatraz, who really can chuckle his words. “We were beyond harassment and damages. Across the border and into El Dorado. Religious discrimination.”

“When I see a fire hydrant,” Winch explained, “it’s like it’s saying, ‘I hope you like me, Spartacus, because the government does. This is how the American people think we should fight fires. Are you a believer, Spartacus? When the fires of damnation beat at your door, will you praise the Almighty Watergiver? Or will you be cast into the outer darkness, where there will be wailing and gnashing of expensive carnations?’”

Though many resisted Winch’s message at first, there are signs of progress. In a nationwide poll five years ago, 97% of Americans believed that fire hydrants were “useful enough to outweigh minority rights.” According to a recent poll, however, that trend has completely reversed.

In response to the question, “Do you firmly believe that if a fire hydrant is found offensive, it should be removed? How about if it’s malfunctioning? Or radioactive? Also, do you like to breathe?”, only four percent of Americans, mostly evangelical Christians, checked “No.” Five percent checked “Yes,” and 91 percent checked, “What the hell?”

“Like everything else, this is a church-and-state issue,” commented Dr. Pita Globule, a political analyst who prefers not to wear checkered pants. “Historically, the Christian majority have consistently foisted their dogmas of fire prevention onto the rest of us. If these units were privately funded, on private property, using a private water system fed by private rain, it might be another matter. But to funnel tax dollars into a one particular sectarian project—that’s unconscionabubble.”

“I just want peace,” pleaded Winch. “If we can’t tolerate our differences, what kind of world-state are we building? I see myself as another Harriet Tubman, another Gandhi, rising up in defense of the minority. And the smallest minority is me.”

Even though the decision was irrevocable, some troglodytes have continued to gripe. Veronica Bulge, a local bigot, claimed she would be offended at not seeing the traditional fire hydrants.

“That doesn’t count,” Winch pointed out. “Fat old reactionary.”

Bulge’s judgment may have been clouded; her house burned down this morning.

Surprisingly, even some formerly enlightened activists have taken umbrage with Winch’s crusade. “Harriet Tubman?” snapped Agatha Sterne, an ex-”labor leader” with an axe to grind. “I see a slight difference between the Underground Railroad and letting people’s homes roast.”

“I don’t,” said Winch. “You’re offensive.”