Millions Convert, Others Play Golf

In a controversial study that some are deeming “the most vital scientific breakthrough of this month,” a team of reseachers have demonstrated that the Roman Catholic Faith is completely accurate, top to bottom, from the Resurrection of Christ to school uniforms in plaid.

“I guess I’ll have to convert,” said Earl Maui, an ex-baker who now leads seminars on the Atkins diet. “I hope they do another study soon.”

The three-year cross-disciplinary study pooled the talents of historians, experimental mathematicians, English majors, unwilling test subjects, and several fine caterers. Tests were done, data was analyzed, and long, incomprehensible papers were submitted to over thirty prestigious scientific journals. In short, it was a scientific study. Rather than get into unnecessary details, allow us to repeat the study’s conclusion. The Roman Catholic Faith is completely accurate. Period.

The sociological ramifications have been astounding. In the last month, millions have clamored for inclusion into the Catholic Church. Lines of would-be neophytes have formed outside rectories around the globe, many waving relevant clippings from Reader’s Digest, The Washington Post, or Better Homes and Gardens.

Some, like Maui, have seemed jubiliant. Others have shown mixed emotions. “I had thought of joining the Church before,” said Bartholomew Gooseflesh, a former male chauvinist who now teaches corporate women how to act like men. “But I had qualms with little things here and there; you know, praying the Rosary, telling a priest my sins, the existence of God. And school uniforms in plaid. But I’m the last man in the world to question science.”

Even some Catholics have breathed a collective sigh of relief. “I’ve had my doubts,” said Nettie Bloom, longtime CCD teacher and lousy singer. “I’ve often felt that a special class of hyper-educated men expected me to believe what they said just because they were experts. What a relief to get it all from scientists instead.”

Predictably, some scientists have expressed dissent.

“Preposterous!” bellowed Figgy Pless, theoretical physicist. (Pless’s recent book, The Cosmological Cat’s Cradle: Another Nifty, Untestable String Theory Of How The Universe Began, Illustrated With Trippy Computer Graphics, has met with mixed reviews.) “If all these idiots would read my book,” Pless added, “they’d become practicing physicists. Heretics!”

Surprisingly, some Catholics have expressed reservations as well, even within the hierarchy. “I’m still waiting for an article that actually explains how the study worked,” griped Father Joseph Fettucini, an unimportant parish priest. “Modern science studies the material world. It might be able to dig up Jericho or shiver at the Shroud, but asking it to disprove or prove the existence of an immaterial Creator is like paying a taxi driver to fly. Or asking your pediatrician whether you’re in love with your girlfriend. The last thing the Church needs is a horde of unthinking nincompoops.”

“Shut up,” replied his prestigious pastor, Father Ed Gorge. “I bet they all have wallets.”

And, as always, there have been those troglodytes who resist the march of Progress. “Become Catholic? I’d have to give up golf,” said Ken Zilch, who likes golf. “Don’t Catholics think that’s a sin?”

Fortunately, mainstream America seems to have accepted these findings and acted on them. “I told you, I’ll convert,” said Maui, the ex-baker. “First thing tomorrow. But I hope they do a study sometime on being Muslim. They have cooler hats.”