“I just want to thank my two-car garage,” says telemarketer.

SPRAWL, VA - A local telemarketer set the world record Wednesday for not going outside, “not even for the ice cream man.”

John “Pasty” Mulgoon, 37, had not been directly exposed to the elements for over 2 years.

“A lot of it happened naturally. I’m no one special,” said Mulgoon, as he brushed lime cheesecake off a shirt that read, “I HOLD THE WORLD RECORD FOR NOT GOING OUTSIDE. YOU DON’T.” His unbroken span began by accident, when he transferred to a company with a parking garage.

“Before that, I had this whole stretch outside every day, maybe 50 feet, because the only close spot was for handicapped and this old woman without a leg always snapped it up,” said Mulgoon, a former Boy Scout. “The weather could just get nasty. Sometimes it was hot. Sometimes it was cold. Sometimes it would rain. I’d be like, what did I do to deserve this?”

When a new job came up, Mulgoon seized the opportunity. “It paid less, a lot less, like half, and half of what telemarketers make isn’t pretty. But I figure I saved money. Otherwise I would have gotten one of those air-conditioned spacesuits on feeBay, and they go for bucks,” said Mulgoon, who averages 21 hours per day online. “Besides, now I can sell these shirts. See? ‘JOHN “PASTY” MULGOON HOLDS THE WORLD RECORD FOR NOT GOING OUTSIDE. WE DON’T.’ You want a couple? No personal checks.”

The record was previously held by a suspected terrorist at Guantanamo Bay, Fred Kaczykstyzn. But Kazykstyzn, a former judge, was not only not a terrorist, he wasn’t even unwhite. Blond and Swedish, his name (that of his stepfather, Pierre Kazykstyzin) was confused by FBI agents with that of a “real” suspected terrorist. When he refused to answer any questions, ever, Kasykstyzen was put into solitary confinement “gold edition,” and was only released when a crack reporter discovered his name’s true spelling, and that he was mute.

“If he was mute, why in Afghanistan didn’t he come out and say so?” explained FBI Agent Dodd Bluster.

“He just kept waving his hands around,” agreed a nearby janitor. “I found it offensive.”

Due to a visa issue, as well as money owed the federal government for his room and board while not a genuine terrorist, the former prisoner has not yet left Guantanamo Bay, but he sent a salute to his conqueror. “If only all Americans could not spell properly. If I am going to stay here, at least I could be famous, like Mulgune,” wrote Kazikztizzinne. “Then I could sell humorous T-shirts. How did he ever do this feat without the benefit of being incarcerated?”

“I’m telling you, it’s all about garages,” said Mulgoon, who repeats himself, as he gestured expressively in the glow of his monitor. “And feeBay. I’d already been getting food and cars and haircuts and stuff online anyway. The hard part was getting that nincompoop from UPS to cart stuff 10 extra feet to the garage. For months, he’d come to the front door and be like, ‘UPS!’ and I’d be like, ‘Roger, I don’t open that front door, not for you or anyone else. I know you’re just waiting to tug me outside.”

When asked whether he meditated any such chicanery, UPS worker Roger Bullfrog replied, “UPS!”

Though still slightly giddy from his rush onto the world stage, Mulgoon didn’t plan to rest on his laurels. “You mean sit on them? Aren’t they leaves or something? Would I have to go outside?” Instead, he hoped to continue his vigil—and use his influence to inspire others.

“So many people are so close to a weather-free lifestyle. Give yourself some credit!” said Mulgoon, who hates pickles. “I’m here to tell you—you’re closer than you think.”