Discounts Promised to Third World, Schools

REDMOND, KS - In a bold move to secure its leadership role in the software industry, Microswift unveiled plans this morning to patent basic mathematical processes such as addition, subtraction, and cheating on tax returns.

“It’s a bold move to secure our leadership role in the software industry,” comments Gill Bates, CEO of the software giant. “Write that down.”

With increasing competition from grade school math classes, price-conscious shoppers, and rulers, Microswift has long been considering its next move in what Bates terms the Consumer’s Battle for Quality Computation. But few predicted the move would be this bold.

“This is all about the consumer,” Bates says. “Your man-in-the-cubicle may not realize it, but software uses a lot of math. If our programs couldn’t add and subtract, they wouldn’t get very far. Watch.” He turns to a 89″ plasma screen on his desk and touches a few keys. “What? A Windoze Update? Now? Cancel, cancel, I’m trying to do something—what the—” The screen goes blue. Bates reboots.

“Anyway, you get the point. Without math, software wouldn’t work. Which is why we need to protect math from piracy.

“Say I spend two weeks writing a program to add up a stack of numbers. I’ve used my time, my money. Without patents, some Finnish idiot could come along and write another program that did exactly the same thing. Or some 3rd grader could do it on a calculator! Or by hand! Where the heck does that leave me? Or the consumer?” Bates shakes his head, folds his arms, and squints through Venetian blinds into the setting sun. “It’s anarchy.”

In the past, short-sighted software developers focused mainly on rival software developers. But Bates sees a bigger picture.

“When I look at the world, I don’t see computers and networks, I see people and credit accounts,” he says proudly. “Every day, all day, people do things. Some mother walks down a produce aisle with her 2.2 children, calculating the price per cucumber. In her head. She could be using Microswift Calculator™! It would be faster, it would be more accurate, and it would be fair to me. That’s what I want to see. Justice all around.”

Microswift has also announced plans to partner in this initative with retail corporations such as Foam Depot, Bust Buy, and Crap-Mart. Already, Crap-Mart has hired scores of part-time, uninsured workers to educate shoppers on the implications of the upcoming patents.

While Bates paints a rosy picture of the future, some are less optimistic. “I’m going to have to lug a laptop around when I go to the store?” was one shopper’s response.

“Nonsense,” is Bates’ wry comment. “Get a PDA.”

But Bates readily admits that a plasma screen, laptop, or even PDA is not for every budget. For those suffering few who are absolutely unable to use a MicroSwift product in their daily computation, Bates has a solution: licensing.

“Two dollars or so for addition, maybe five or sixty for long division; we’re still working out the details. Here’s the key. If we all work together to crush Math Piracy, it’ll keep costs down for everyone.”

Schools, of course, are a special case, as many teachers feel that math principles aren’t as “deeply assimilated” by students who use computers for homework.

“We are teaching math, for the love of pi!” rants one frustrated grade school teacher in a dead-end career. “Would you teach basketball with a PlayStation?”

But other instructors take a more enlightened view. “My students always use MicroSwift. They have to. There’s no other software on the computer,” says Dr. Villein Eggplant, who teaches typing.

“I have to say, I’m deeply skeptical,” Bates comments. “Let’s face it. These ‘math’ teachers have a serious conflict of interest. Still, I’m willing to license ‘head math,’ though as the world progresses we’ll realize it’s abusive. And don’t forget, we will offer discounts for Third World schools. What? No, there’s no comma there. Third World schools. That’s it.”

While collecting the fees from students and the general public will be a “new challenge” for law enforcement, Bates has already made the appropriate contacts within the business world. Producers of rulers, calculators, and even watches are, even now, negotiating their Math Freedom Fees.

“By thunder, I’ve been making calculators since Bates was a bull pup,” says Tex Mix of Alamo Intruments, “The Calculator Cowboys.” “Ain’t no one ever invented math.”

Bates chuckles at this line of thought. “I thought of patenting, and that’s what counts. Ever hear of Zerocks [French for “the rocks”]? I bet they’re wishing they patented their Graphical User Interface. I bet they wake up each morning and say, ‘What were we thinking? Were our brains made of tapioca pudding?’ Every morning. I bet they do. But, that’s the free market.”

Some analysts have predicted the rise (or fall) of a new “math poor.” The more intelligent of the population, addicted to the pleasures and “convenience” of mental math, may quickly rack up impoverishing license fees.

To this, Bates comments, “Shut up.” He points out that license fees help Microsyfte donate billions to fighting global plagues like hunger, open-source software, and women having lots of children who aren’t white. So there.

While the patents have not yet been granted, readers who do math on a regular basis are advised to work up a “math budget” for the near future. Rates will be lower during non-peak hours from 1am to 1:17am, so plan accordingly. And reflect on the courageous business decisions of one of America’s most sterling successes, Gill Bates. His final thought?

“Maybe I can patent winning.”